i can't go on like this

I am so useless and irresponsible lately. A regular sluggard. Can't do a decent thing. Spent almost an hour staring at the monitor trying to find words that could start a really simple article that I suppose to do. Spent the rest of my time thinking of the things I had been doing and how things could have gone differently if I only did something to it and then try to suppress the feeling of anxiety and drive away the thoughts.

This has to end. This period of (temporary but recurring) insanity; the sleepless nights, binges sense of failure and utter laziness has to end. And it has to end now. Unfortunately, I don't know how. I can't muster the energy to do it, I seemed to have, unconsciously, lost all desires to make my life better instead of just dwelling with things that I could no longer do anything about because its just damned too late. TOO LATE!

The people around me (my parents and closest friend included) doesn't know anything at all but I did something that could well be the cause of all these insanities. The product of my procastinations and stupidities is about to be sown and yes, I am anxious about it.

I am deadly worried of a lot of things and I have a reason to be. I don't have anyone to blame because everything is entirely my fault. I can't turn back the time even if I would wish to all the angels in heaven to do it for me. I have to face the consequences of my actions and I had long anticipated these moments even before I actually chose to do what I did. I am entirely responsible for whatever is happening now.

But I know that, since what has been done is done already, I can't do anything about now. I have to go on living and try to discipline myself more to avoid the same things from happening again. Its bad enough that things has to reach this point. Its bad enough that I made a mistake and allowed my laziness to control me. I need to do something about this. I know I have to. I don't really have a choice.

this point in my life will have to end. It can't be like this forever. I can't go on like this forever. What kind of future could I expect if I continue this way? Absolutely nothing.

I still have a chance to change and make up for all the mistakes I made. Yes, it has an irreparable consequence that I don't have a plan of covering up. I will have to face it and whatever its effects are. I hope this time I had learned my lesson.
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Just a thought:

==>Making a mistake once is forgivable but committing the same mistake twice is foolishness.
==>The things you don't want to remember, you never forget. The things you want to remember you easily forget.
==>If its not meant, it never will.
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Lord, please let it be...=)