Irrational Fears

Out of nowhere I found my self writing this one in my diary, “sometimes I get so excited about the future and what it would bring but most of the times I find myself wondering if I will be able to see it. I have a feeling that I will never really see the future; that I will never really experience how it feels to be loved by somebody, to bear a child, have a family of my own and to be happy. I am scared of the future as much as I am scared of being left alone.”

I can’t really point a time when it all started because it seemed like it’s been inside me all my life. Whenever I am alone, I find myself thinking of what will happen to me someday. Try as I might, I can’t imagine myself in the future. I have this really strong feeling that I might not be able to see it. Maybe I don’t have a future, maybe I was only meant to experience the life of a student, a teenager. Maybe I was never meant to meet someone; to be loved, to love, to build my own family. Maybe I was only meant to live a few years.

I don’t know why but I have this really strong feeling that I will die young; maybe before I reach the age of 30 or 40 or maybe even tomorrow. I even have this fear that even if I did find somebody and probably get married someday, I will never be able to have a child.

Last night I found myself asking if my body could actually bear it. I mean, I have always been sickly and weak. Could my body actually bear something as precious as another life? I guess if I couldn’t have a child I would not want to get married. Maybe I should get myself checked. Or even if I could, will I be emotionally stable enough to do so? And why am I even asking such questions to my self when I am only 20 and don’t even have a boyfriend?

It is stupid, I know. But I guess each one of us has these stupid irrational fears inside us that we try to keep from everybody else.