Men are bad.

 If you want to know why I never had a boyfriend. Read on because this could probably be the reason why. And I just realized all this.

There's this man I know who flirts with me non-stop. No, this is not my imagination and I am not saying this to brag. What's there to brag anyway?

I don't rebuff him that blatantly but I think my actions are subtle enough to send the message that I am not flirting with him and have no plans of doing so. Really, I'm not even slightly considering the possibility. First off, he is married. Second, he's got children. Third, he's way too old for me. And lastly, he knows all these.

But its not the way men flirts that bothers me anyway. In fact, its something I find funny. Really. But I am more bothered by how some of them often take advantage of me. I mean, I often find myself in a tricky situation with most of the men I meet.

They would either try to exploit me, trick me or grope me. WTH! Sometimes I wonder if its my fault or what. You know, maybe I act like a slut which makes them think they could just do anything to me. Or maybe I wear the inappropriate clothes which made them think that I am an easy girl or what. But when I think about it, I realized somehow that its not really my fault that some men are just plain sick.

I remembered when I was a first year college student. I was young and innocent (no violent reactions please), fresh from the convent-like High School atmosphere. I was sitting by the boulevard with my friend and I noticed a man looking at us. I tried telling my friend about it but right at that moment she stood up to answer a phone call (which lasted for more than half an hour) and practically left me all alone to fend for myself.

I did not mind the man at first and told myself that maybe he wasn't really looking at us and I'm just being paranoid. But just when I had finally convinced myself, the man stood up and walked to where I was sitting and sat beside me without preamble. He was smiling at me and asked if I am a student. He asked a lot of questions and I tried answering it without giving much information. When he finally got tired of asking questions he started telling me of his work (apparently his a Van for Hire driver for tourists) and how he sometimes pair some of his costumers with his friends from the local high school ( so now you have an idea where this is going). I tried to listen to him and at the same time trying to grab my friend's attention praying with all my heart that the man would go away.

Needless to say, he was trying to exploit me and pair me up with those stupid tourists. Do I look like a slut or something?

And a few months after that, I was practically harassed by somebody I don't know inside a movie house. I was just sitting there watching The Chronicles of Narnia when this man suddenly asked for the time and being the good girl (without enough sense) that I am, I told him so and concentrated with the movie. Later on he kept on asking me about my school and my course and where I'm from and of course, I did not tell him anything. Then I suddenly felt his hands holding my right arm which suddenly went to my breast (not that my breast is something I could be proud of). I was so surprised that my head suddenly jerked to the side, I looked at him and was so tempted to stand up and kick him but settled on attempting to break his fingers instead. Of course it wasn't successful, I am barely 5'5" (more or less, not sure really) and 39 kls whereas the man was (in my calculation) as tall as 5"10 and way heavier than me.

When the man finally attempted to buy drinks for me, I stood up and ran out of the movie house never looking back and never told anybody about it. Or at least not after a few months. And I guess until this day, I only told five people about it because every time I remember the incident, I started rubbing my arms until its raw because I feel so dirty.

But this is not the first time it happened. I had been harassed many times for as long as I can remember and never told a soul about it. I was so embrassed to tell anybody and so afraid of being reprimanded that I opted to keep silent instead.

And so I grew up fearing men. And so until now I couldn't find myself to really like men apart my friends. And so until now, I don't have a boyfriend.

I grew up seeing men as monsters who would grab me and tear me to pieces the moment I give them the chance. I set up walls and barricaded myself so successfully that I am now finding it hard to go out. Well, that's life.

At least I'm safe now. The only problem is, how do I conquer this fear?