You have no idea how happy and relieved I was to get past that age. Although a lot of people my age thinks that being in the line of "2s" makes them feel old, I welcome this age like a spring of water after a long drought.
That seven-year period of my life pass like a blur but every single emotion I felt during those years are still vivid in my memory. Every single day of confusion.Every single hour of helplessness. It was fun while it last and I treasure every single moment of happiness I have from those seven years. But at the same time, I can't shake the memories of confusion and helplessness.
When you are a teenager, or shall I say, when I was a teenager I felt so helpless, unheard, confused. I remembered people telling me that I don't understand, that I don't know what I am doing. I remembered the feelings of being alone, trying to find who I really am with all the pressures of the people around me telling me who they wanted me to be. I remembered being misunderstood, called weird, the helplessness of trying to make sense the things that's happening around me.
I remembered feeling emotions I never had before and feeling so confused about it. I remembered the changes in my body.I remembered the many questions that nobody wants to answer. I remembered how nobody wants to listen because for them, you are just a kid who doesn't know what she's saying and doesn't know what she's doing and is therefore unreliable enough to be heard.
I remember those years of just relying to my parents for everything I want or need. I remembered a lot of pain as well. I remembered the feelings of failure wanting to be something so bad and nobody supports you because they think you don't have what it takes to be that person.
...first love?check.
...first heartbreak? check.
...feeling misunderstood? check.
...teenage angst?check.
...suicidal tendencies?check.
...insecurities? paranoia? lost? double check.
Teenage years is a period of our lives where we try to search for ourselves. It is a period where we try to mold ourselves to be who we want to be in the future. Some of us gets lost along the way and become somebody who they didn't want to be. Others are just so blessed to be exactly who they dreamed to be.
I never became who I wanted to be. I ended up taking a course that was shoved on my face because everybody thinks its the best for me. I lost my dream when I was my teenager and I forever hated that period of my life. Or at least, that's partially the reason.
When you are a toddler, you can dream to be whoever you wanted to be and nobody will stop you. You don't feel the pressure. You don't feel the pain. You can break a tooth but it will still grow back---something you can't do with a broken heart or even a broken permanent tooth for that matter.
So I'd rather be a toddler where everything seemed possible. I can dream freely and be encouraged. I can blurt everything without being scolded. I can be helpless but still look cute. Having your first toothache is so much better than being a teenager again and have your heart broken the first time.
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