let's just say i'm not keeping my hopes up.

and I'm crossing my fingers too.

I'm feeling a bit anxious because I know I failed my Foreign language class (Korean) as well as my other subjects. This is probably my worst semester ever and my last year (hopefully) in college too. My test scores were really low, missed quizzes a dozen times because I've been frequently sick since June, and my attention is (honestly) somewhere else.

I know I should be working extra-hard this year because its my last year and I'm already in college and my grades would really matter in the future but I don't know what's happening to me.

I know I haven't been myself lately. I haven't been myself in a long time. A lot of people are telling me that I am not dumb but I strongly feel like one. I can't understand what's wrong with me and it has been affecting my grades.

So I am not really keeping my hopes up but I am still praying that hopefully everything will work out just fine and I will be able to graduate this year despite the things that has been happening in my life. I dread the second semester because if I fail now, the next semester will be my last hope and, by God, I will not be able to graduate!...

The scores I've been getting are the lowest I've ever had in my whole life. I used to do well in class. My CGPA (excluding the present semester) ranges from 1.25-1.50 even though I did get INCs and below 85 grades in some of my minor subjects (read: Math!). I've never failed an exam even in a subject I don't really like. I always get good grades even if I seldom attend the class.

But what's happening to me now? What's wrong with me? INCs, retakes (because I did not comply my INCs), undone projects, unpassed assignments, low scores...huh!

I'm losing my mind. Whenever I think of my Papa and Mama I find myself thinking I'd better kill myself now than see them get hurt if I fail to graduate.Whenever I think of my grades and my future I find myself contemplating on the best ways to kill myself.

I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself thinking of all these things. I lose sleep because dread and anxiety. Sometimes I even find myself praying that I would no longer wake up in the morning. And every morning when I wake up, I find myself sighing in frustration that I did not die the previous night.

As the end comes nearer, the temptation to kill myself is getting stronger. Is there hope for me? I don't know. But if I don't graduate this year, I might just jump off a bridge.