Days of Confusion

For days now I have been considering a change of environment. I am no longer effective in my job and to be honest, I am getting tired of most people around me. I need a new environment where I can meet new people and breath fresh air.

I want to be excited again. I want to wake up wondering what will happen next. I want to be able to smile and appreciate the things around me.

This is not the company's fault of course. This is not my friends' fault. This is not even the fault of my customers. This is just me. I guess.

I am tired. Very tired. Tired and bored, to be honest.
Probably I just need fresh air. You know, a new excitement.

I want to go somewhere far from this city where I will be living alone, by myself and away from the people I know. It is not because I hate them or anything because if truth be told, my friends and my family are the reason why I am still here. I don't want to leave them but I also need space--- not that I ever lacked one.

But despite everything I am feeling inside, I still know that stopping now would not only be impractical but very stupid. Before I could go, I need to be sure there is a job waiting for me wherever fate may lead me. I need to have savings big enough to help me start. I need to be practical because I know how difficult it is to find a job and earn what I am earning right now.

Another thing, I can't imagine myself far from my family. I don't know but probably because I have grown up and realize that they can be taken from me anytime that I become scared when I think of being away from them. I want to spend as much time as I have with them. Whenever I am at home and I am about to leave, I always feel like it might be the last time I will be seeing them and I don't like it. If I would be honest enough, more than anything else, this is what is stopping me from going. This is something I don't want to regret someday. Also, I can't bear to tell my parents I want to go to a faraway place because I want to be alone and find myself.

I feel lost. So lost. I don't know why I am here and why I am doing all these. I feel so useless and stupid. My brain is hardly functioning. I don't know if I hate my job or my friends or my colleagues or myself. I just want to go.

But would people understand? Would they actually understand if I say, I want to find myself? I am sure they will not. No one will. But that is the truth. I don't know what I will accomplish with it. I don't even know how to find myself. I just want to go to a far away place. I just want to be alone--- at least for a time.