Random thoughts: Saturday edition

What is the point of being alive if you don’t live?

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Morning Thoughts (Friday)

Sometimes, you just have to let things go the way they should. Happy Friday!

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What if?

"The cruelest prison is the one we've built for ourselves out of fear and regret."
Warehouse 13


What if....

Two words that caused many of us sleepless nights and bucketful of tears. We all did things in the past that we wish we could bury forever. Things who happen to have a habit of popping up now and again to haunt us and make us doubt ourselves. There were things in our past we wish we could have done differently. There were things that we wish we could have done or change.

What if...

Yes, what if we knew back then what we know now? Would things end up the way it did? What if we did not do what we did, would things be any different?

What if...

We've all asked that question at some point. We all have things we regret doing. We all said things we wish we did not say or probably do things or say thing we now know we should have said and done.

What if...We can undo the past? Should we?

The regrets we have about our past, the guilt we feel for not doing what we know now we should have done, the fear of doing the same mistake again...all these are stopping us from moving on. Sometimes we find ourselves doubting our capabilities, our decisions because we have this deep-seated fear of committing the same mistake again and getting the same result. In the process we not only stop ourselves from growing but also create more regrets in our lives.

Sometimes I think it's a never ending process. It's like a circle, it goes on and one without an end. A loop that we can't get out of. We stop ourselves from doing something out of fear that we might fail and regret it and end up exactly the thing we fear of, a failure who regrets not doing what needs to be done.

What if... we just stop asking ourselves this and just doing it?

Welcome to the World of the Temporarily Unemployed!

*clap*clap*clap.

Effective today, I am no longer a part of Convergys. Effective today, I leave behind one of the biggest companies in the country. Effective today, I am unemployed.

Well, not really since I also have another job waiting for me in some other part of the country. Let's say I am in purgatory, waiting if I will be sent to heaven or hell. I vote for heaven of course but who's to say? Only time can tell if I made the right the decision.

I have a lot of things to do and I believe time is not enough for me to do everything. I want to enjoy the two weeks of being able to sleep when I want to and wake up whenever I want to. I want to enjoy the two weeks of no responsibility, the two weeks of rest and enjoyment.

Convergys is the first BPO and the first company I have ever worked for and it has taught me a lot. It gave me the opportunity to do things I've always wanted to do. It gave me financial security and freedom. It gave me my dreams. I will always treasure the things I learned from this company. It is, in truth, one of the best companies in the country.

Today, I am living a new life. Probably not entirely new and different from what my life was yesterday but still, a different life. A new life in a new city. New opportunity to grow. New opportunity to correct  the mistakes. New opportunity to succeed. A second leash at life.

I don't know what my life will be like when I start in my new job. I don't know what the culture will be like and what the people will be like. One thing is certain, I will remain true to myself. If I have to change anything in me, I will change it because I know it is something that hinders my growth but not because people are telling me to change. I will work as hard as I did before. I  will focus on my dreams and the dreams of the people who believe in me. I will strive to be happy. I will strive to make people happy. I will change what needs to be changed (and there are a lot). I will be open to new possibilities and will accept things as they come. I will learn to live one day at a time and enjoy the moment while it last. I will strive to make myself and my life better.

Today, is the start of a new day. Whatever happens after today, I will be strong. This time, it will be different. This time, I will make things right.

I Love that Guy...

I love that guy who makes me smile when nothing is funny.
I love that guy who can calm me down when I am mad.
I love that guy who makes me comfortable being myself.
I love that guy who knows I'm useless but loves me anyway.
I love that guy who doesn't ask me to stay home just because he wants me to stay home.
I love that guy who respects my freedom.
I love that guy who doesn't display affection in public but whose affection you can never question.
I love that guy who can be honest enough to tell me that I'm being unreasonable.
I love that guy who is brave enough to admit his feelings and doesn't go around pretending that he's fine when he is not.
I love that guy who can tell me that I am wrong without making me feel like I'm a five year old.
I love that guy who can tolerate my inner five year old.
I love that guy who does things he says he will do.
I love that guy who respects me enough to tell me honestly when he doesn't like me and doesn't pretend that he does just to make me feel okay.
I love that guy who doesn't make me feel like I don't exist.
I love that guy who can be sweet without being overly attached.
I love that guy who doesn't embarrass me with his affections.
I love that guy who can love me without smothering me to a point of near suicide.
I love that guy who doesn't pretend to be good just to get my attention but is really good inside even when no one is watching.
I love that guy who can defend/protect me but I love most that guy who can teach me how to defend myself.
I love that guy who hugs me everyday.
I love that guy who can cry and doesn't get embarrassed with it.
I love that guy who makes me feel safe.
I love that guy who gives me a reason to smile.
I love a smart guy who doesn't make me feel stupid.
I love that guy who brings out the silliest, craziest, stupidest thing in me and doesn't freak out when he sees it.
I love that guy who can decide for himself but doesn't make a decision in my behalf.
I love that guy who knows how to carry himself regardless of the situation.
I love that guy who doesn't judge me based on the mistakes I made.
I love that guy who doesn't assume things about me.
I love that guy who is not afraid to say NO.
I love that guy who reads this, doesn't laugh, doesn't freak out and doesn't call me silly. (and doesn't call me weird too...ever.)

I would love that guy.... if only he exists.

random notes: Change

heart, you just have to be ready

scared. anxious. nervous. doubtful. excited. dreamy. sad. happy. 

how much emotion can a person take at the same time without going insane?

my heart is beating so loud and i feel a stinging pain. i can feel my tears ready to flow but for some reason being held back by unknown force. my mind is racing and there is a part of me that doesn't want to do this. my mind is made up but my heart is in pain. i have to be ready because regardless of the outcome, it would still be the same. win or lose, i still get hurt. 

i hope i am making the right decision. 

The People We Meet

I always believe that we meet people for a reason. I believe people come to our lives because they are going to play a role in it. I also believe that the people we meet comes to our lives to teach us something. In one way or another, we will learn something from them. We only have to pay attention and be thankful they came to our lives regardless of the role they played.

Some of them will come and go. Some will come and stay. Some will hurt us. Some will love us. Some will break our hearts while others will come and mend it. There are those we will not like at first and we will think that we will never get close to them but in the end they will become our best friends. There are those we would get close to from the start but we may part ways with in the end. And then, there will be those who will be with us regardless of distance and time; those people who will laugh, cry, stumble and fall with us; those who will lift us up when we are down and those who will help us realize our full potential.

There will be people who will hurt us so bad we would want to curse them to hell. There will be those who we want to forget forever. There will be people we will not be able to forgive.

All of them will come and will become part of our lives. There will be heroes and villains. There will be friends and foes. But whatever role they play, all of them will teach us something and all of them will become a part of us. We will become who we are because they came and shared a part of their lives to us. In the future, probably unconsciously, we will be making decisions based on the experiences and the lessons they had taught us.

I believe that the moment we get to know someone's name an invisible connection is made. We may think it no longer exist as years pass and as we go farther and farther from them but the truth is, the connection we had with them remains with us. Our behaviors, our attitudes towards things, they are all a result of what experiences we had with them and what we learned from it. We all remain connected and they all remain a part of us whether we want them to be or not.

We came to each others lives for a reason. We met for a reason. We know each other. We are connected.We will always be.

these days, happiness is...

... getting more than 5hrs of sleep without the help of antihistamine.

... seeing the sun.

... ending the shift on the dot.

... payday.

and so, despite everything i can say, life is still worth living.

actions, they speak louder than words.

there are very few people who can fake the sincerity (or the lack of it) of their actions. there are very few people whose eyes can trick you into believing that they are telling the truth. but there are many who can blind you with their words.

lucky are those people who only listens and never observes because they only hear the words but never see the intentions. in a way, they get hurt less. on the other hand, their hearts breaks more often.

when someone is saying something, their eyes convey their intentions; their body language speaks louder than their spoken words. there are those who will smile at you but when you see their eyes, you know they loathe you. there are those who pretends to be kind to you but when you listen intently, the tone of their voice says otherwise. there are also those who will show you that they accept you and cares for you but their actions tells you that they really don't care.

i guess that's why i can never take any guy seriously. when a person tells me something, i don't just listen to their words, i don't just read it. i don't just accept things at face value. i look at their actions, i listen to their voice, i look in their eyes and whenever i do, i get disappointed. to them i am nothing but another challenge they have to conquer.

and that, ladies and gentlemen, really hurts.

random though: of good and bad

just simply having the knowledge does not define a person. what defines a person is how they use the knowledge that they have. a simple idea, if left as an idea, remains harmless. what makes an idea bad is when you act on it and it starts hurting the people around you.

so, what's a best friend?

a friend is someone you can share things with. a best friend is someone you can share secrets to and trust that it never gets to other people.

a friend is someone you can have fun with. a best friend is someone who will stay with you even when the fun has ended.

a friend is someone who will sometimes lie to you so you don't get hurt. a best friend is someone who will tell you the truth even when he/she knows you'll be hurt and will stay and pick up the pieces with you.

a friend is someone who supports your decision. a best friend is someone who doesn't always support you but will be there when you fall.

a friend is someone who sometimes overlooks your mistakes to avoid offending you. a best friend is someone who will point out your mistake and help you in making it right.

a best friend is someone who can laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself . they are people who accepts you with all your eccentricities, weirdness, brattiness, and craziness. they are people who will never be ashamed to be seen in public with you even when you are at your craziest. they are the ones who, despite everything you've been through, remained true to you and is always by your side when the going gets tough.

in a lifetime, it is possible to meet a lot of friends. it is, however, very rare to find best friends. so when you find them, keep them. you might never find another one again.

Seat 18A

i would be very honest to admit that i am not excited to go home but this did not stop me from getting really annoyed when my flight was delayed for three hours yesterday. flight delays are of course normal. it happens anywhere in the world and to every single person who travels by plane. airlines almost never fly on time.

i was tired, hungry and sleepy and doing everything i can to amuse myself while waiting for my flight. my friends and i have different flight schedules and all of them already left. there is no one i can talk to and i don't have my laptop with me so i have nothing else to do but take photos of myself and whatever else i see. also, post bitter status messages in facebook and twitter. the usual stuff.

exhibit A. narcissism mode.

Exhibit B. Froglet Mode.

in fairness to the airline, they did provide free meals for the passengers although i chose not to get my share. i couldn't eat it anyway and with my right wrist injured, i will have a hard time holding it. i did my best to hold my temper because i understand that there are places in the country with really bad weather plus air traffic congestion is common especially for flights in the late afternoon towards the evening.

but i lost everything when i got aboard the plane. it may be a really small thing on normal days, when i am not stressed, tired, hungry and sleepy but with the state of my mind last night, i just couldn't hold it.

you see, there were two middle aged women holding a baby who decided they can just sit anywhere they like. i got to our row a few seconds behind them and i told the other woman i sit in 18A and she just looked at me and told her friend to sit there. she looked at me and said, "just take that seat instead" pointing to the vacant aisle seat.

i bit my tongue and told her, " no, i sit in 18A". she wouldn't budge at first so i told her, in a bit acidic tone may be, " i paid for that seat, i reserved it. i sit there." she and her friend transferred to their assigned seats and were grumbling until we get to the airport. if going berserk on a plane wouldn't get me tagged as a terrorist, i would have slapped both of them already.

i was biting my lips all the way to Bacolod.

here's the thing, i paid to have a window seat and sitting there is the only consolation i have for that one messed up flight. only the prospect of seeing the lights of the city from above stops me from screaming in frustration while waiting for my flight. besides, seats are assigned for a reason.

that was the worst one hour flight i ever had. there were a lot of turbulence, the babies were screaming, the two witches beside me smells like they haven't seen water for weeks and despite their claims, they look like it's their first time to be aboard the plane. removing seat belts when the sign is on, opening the table when the plane is about to take off and land, putting their bags on the aisle and more. the attendant has to return to our row multiple times to "fix" them. and the whole flight they were both bragging that they always fly to manila and comparing different airlines and all that. huh, what did the other airlines make you use? broomstick?

anyway, here are some photos i took while waiting for the plane yesterday...

sunset @ naia terminal 3 gate 118.

via instagram.

well, i'm back now and the world is still gloomy. have a lot to take care of now that i am back. huh. back to work again tonight!

My Day according to Madame Xperia Valentine

no amount of rain could stop us from enjoying the day. the monsoon and the tropical depression has caused me much anxiety these last 2 days. with a looming trip ahead, i've been praying and crossing my fingers that the weather would be better. 

yesterday, i was with my friend Cathy and we had a great time. even though the weather did not cooperate that much, we still get to do everything we planned to do and that was just really cool!

anyway, we went to Mambukal and went hiking.to be honest it was the first time i went hiking again after a long time and that really put a strain in my body. add to that of course is the fact that my right wrist is injured and being a right-handed person, it was quite difficult to climb and reach the falls. well, we still did and i think i should still be proud of it,.

we also went to the ruins and took a lot of photos. there were a lot of kids on a field trip there yesterday and  seeing them run around and laughing was a great stress reliever. despite my injured wrist i was still able to take a lot of photos which is really good because my photo blog needs updating.

speaking of photo blog, i have decide to practice mobile phone photography using madame xperia. i can't always bring my camera with me and photo quality for Sony Mobile has always been excellent so i guess this will work. i hope.

well, that's it actually. 

i'm wide awake again in the wee hours of the morning, this time with my body aching all over from that hiking we did yesterday. our trip to baguio is today and i am really anxious and excited. please Lord, let the weather cooperate just like how it did during my birthday trip.

guess i'll just update my blogs and do scheduled posts while i'm at it. will not be bringing Convee (my notebook) with me because i will be traveling light and my body can't take any more weight. hahaha. 

anyway, it is almost weekend here in the philippines so, enjoy your weekends people!

errands day

first of all, let me just tell you how much i hate the fact that the start of my day depends on when the malls open. i just don't really like starting my day at 10am. that said, let me give you a full report about what happened today. not that you would care of course.

as i have said, my day started at 10am because that is when the malls open. personally, if i have business to attend to, i prefer that it starts as early as possible so i finish all of it as early as possible as well. anyway, the day started with me buying a new sling bag which i find rather cool and also very cheap. it's big enough to accommodate my bulky wallet (which reminds me why i hate wallets), my phones, earbuds, keys, and loose change. not too big though that it would bother me when i am walking around. i prefer sling bags over any other kind of bags actually. it's practical for me because i don't have to put it down or remove it from my body when i sit somewhere. this way, i can keep an eye on my valuables without looking paranoid.

after buying the bag i went back to downtown area and passed by an ukay-ukay store that sells shoes. i am really planning to buy shoes so i looked around. i happen to see this nice pair which fits me perfectly and only costs less than my budget for the shoes that i was planning to buy. i am not particular with brands and not really fond of buying expensive shoes and clothes (or anything for that matter) so when i fit the shoes and my heart whispered ""sole-mate" i told the attendant right away that i am going to buy it. it was supposedly Php200 but i asked the attendant if i can have it for Php150 and he said yes. then when i paid, he did not have loose change so he gave it to me for Php 140.  hallelujah! thank God for ukay-ukay!

with the bag and the shoes crossed out from my checklist, i proceeded to SM to buy a sling for my phone. true to its name, xperia mini is so small it is quite hard to keep track of it sometimes. i am a very clumsy and careless person and if i don't pay much attention this phone will end up scratched/damaged or lost. so i went and buy my phone a sling.

three down, one more errand and i can go to Robinsons Mall and have our flight itinerary printed and off to slumberland!

unfortunately, i already went to all the malls and cellphone centers in the city and i couldn't find a battery for my xperia. i want to buy a genuine sony ericsson accessory since fake ones usually damage the phone and it will not be covered by the warranty. i've been looking for a genuine SE battery but so far, i found none. if i have the time i will look for one when i go to baguio next week. might find something there.

anyway, having all my errands done i went to another mall to have our flight itinerary printed. nothing unusual or embarrassing happened. i did, however, found myself buying things that were not in my checklist. story of my life. they were things i need anyway so doesn't really matter. at least i did not end up buying another whiteboard again.

the cool beetle.

speaking of whiteboard, i saw this really cool Volkswagen beetle earlier on my way to buy the bag. the doors were made of whiteboard and it has signatures and messages from a lot of people. i took a photo of it but it wasn't a really nice shot since i had to take the photo as fast as i can. it was really cool. i would love to shake the hands of whoever owns that beetle.

and so that was it. i spent more or less three hours in that errand and now i have nothing to do. my bag is packed. everything is accounted for. now all i have to do is wait for friday. let's hope to God the weather will be nice until i get back.

where to next?

i've been thinking about the places i've been to and the memories i have of those places. there are places i missed and wanted to go back to and there are also places that, although gave me a lot of fun, i don't want to visit again. of course there are also places i want so much to see and i really hope i would see soon enough.

where have i been so far? well, aside from dumaguete and the rest of negros oriental, i've been to cebu, sequijor, davao, all over davao del norte, davao oriental, cagayan, bohol, panay island, baguio, and compostella valley. this friday, i am going back to baguio city, probably the only place i have gone to more than once except for negros oriental.

so where will i go next? vigan? palawan? zamboangua? these are places that top of my list. i also want to visit batanes and go on a road trip all over mindanao. well, mindanao will always have a special place in my heart. anywhere in mindanao will be good enough for me.

my next birthday is fast approaching. my friend and i agreed that we will celebrate our birthdays together. we wanted it celebrated at enchanted kingdom. hahaha. i wonder though, i am not so excited about my birthday anymore and i am actually thinking of just staying at home on that day. well, that remains to be seen.

my next target is really mindanao this time. it was my original target when i was planning for my birthday trip last year. i wish i can go back there. i really want to go back there.


well, wherever it may be i am sure i will have fun. lots of it.
ciao for now. have errands to run.
have a great day everyone!

you and your insecurities

some people have so much insecurities in their lives causing them to be so bitter about a lot of things. they have very low self esteem that when someone says something they always think right away that it is against them and lash out. even when the other person doesn't actually mean anything.

here's the thing, your misfortunes in life are not caused by everyone around you so stop lashing at them. we understand you are bitter because life did not go the way you want it. we understand that life has been a bitch to you and you feel all down and insecure about yourself. hell, we do feel that way sometimes. this doesn't give you any reason to make others feel bad though. when someone looks at you, it doesn't mean they are criticizing you. when people speak kindly towards you or try to be more polite, it doesn't mean they are looking down at you.

try to get past your insecurities and get over your bitterness. just because you are not happy doesn't mean we can't be.

A Long Awaited Vacation

it's not like i haven't had a vacation for years. in fact, this is my third long vacation this year (not counting the 14 days Leave of Absence) of course. Still, i am really happy to finally see my leave applications approved and the prospect of six days free from worrying about anything.

i will be going back to Baguio just like i promised when i left last january. for so many months now i have been really stressed and this vacation is the only thing that sustained me. i guess i am just grabbing the opportunity while i still can. when i go back to school next year, traveling far will be a dream.

i have already packed my bags and started to cross out my checklist. one by one, day by day. when i leave on friday, i promise to enjoy this trip as best as i can. i also promise not to splurge of course. hahaha. wish me luck!

for now, i will bear the next three nights and will patiently work on my stats. then on tuesday, i will sleep the whole day and the whole night. wednesday will wash my shoes and gather whatever else i need to bring. i am so excited to see my friend, my inaanak, to see baguio city again.

wish me luck guys!

He Listens to My Heart's Desires

i will be very honest. i haven't been to church for more than two years now. i haven't read nor seen my bible for almost the same length of time. i haven't even prayed as frequently as i used to. i am a person who is not surprised if God would punish me in every way possible because i know for a fact that i haven't been exactly a model of virtue.

i am not a good person. i have a lot of sins. i am not the most compassionate, humble, religious, virtuous person in the world. not even the slightest in fact. but you know what? God has always listened to my hearts desires.

i haven't prayed well in a long time that i don't think i still know how to. whenever something good happens to  me, i simply utter a silent thank you to God. whenever i am at my lowest, i just tell him, "God, you know what's in my heart." He doesn't always give me what i want but He has always given me what my heart desires the most.

i think God is really wise. He gives me what i need but never spoils me by giving me what i want outright. He knows my inner thoughts and desires and He gives them to me in his own time. He gives me the chance to work hard for something that i want so i can appreciate and treasure it when i finally get it. He gives me trials but always help me survive it. He let's me fall without really letting go. He let's me experience a little bit of everything so i can have a better understanding of how life goes.

i am not religious but whenever i see the many hues of the sky when the sun rises and sets, i feel God. this world is what it is because of a supreme being who makes everything possible. different cultures call Him by different names but i believe that we all worship one supreme being.

lately, i have been struggling about so many things. i am anxious, stressed and really really tired. when i am alone and i try to pray, i couldn't find any words to express how i feel. i simply close my eyes and say, "you know what's in my heart..." and He always answers it. it never fails.

people will say different things about me but whatever kind of person they all think i am, i only know one thing for certain. God loves me and He gives me what i need as long as i open my heart to him.

every one is going through something

i was on my way home this morning when i overheard the man in front of me as he was talking on the phone. i did not mean to eavesdrop but i just couldn't help but listen when i heard the panic and anxiety in his voice. i don't know who he was talking to but apparently someone in their family has dengue fever and it must be bad because the man looked shaken. he was doing his best not to cry but his voice was breaking and he kept wiping the tears in his eyes. i was doing my best to look away and shut off the sound. he is doing his best to be strong and i think i owe it to him to look away as a respect. clearly, he didn't want anyone to see him like that.

deep inside me i was praying for that stranger. i hope everything will be ok.

then, here comes this driver who made me so mad i wanted to punch him in the face. there were only two passengers in his jeep, me and the man. he asked where we are getting off and i told him but the man was on the phone talking to someone about the dengue and all that and did not hear the driver when he asked. now here's the thing, the way the traffic is routed is a bit awkward if you would ask me. see, if you are from downtown bacolod going to Bata (a barangay in the city) the jeepneys will have to make a U-turn near the north terminal and then go south and left turn to get to Bata. if no passengers are getting off the bus terminal however, drivers would opt to just make a left turn when they get to the intersection going to Bata. so what happened is that, since the man did not hear the driver, the driver assumed that the man is going to the terminal and when he got there and the man did not get off the vehicle he was so upset. he was angry that he had to go all that way for nothing.

in a way i get his point. that would have saved time and fuel. here's the thing though, sometimes we have to be careful with how we react in a situation. we do not know what a person is going through and how our actions can aggravate their situation. the driver was so angry that he was grumbling and sulking all the way. a mini-tantrum for a lack of a better word. he was hitting the wheel, over-taking other cars, and all the while chastising the man for not answering him when he asked. the man was still probably out of it all because he did not mind the driver and still looked so worried the whole time. and me? i was giving the driver the tiger look until i got off.

here's what i learned today: everyone of us are going struggling over something. we all have issues and problems that we sometimes hide behind the smiles and jokes. that is why we have to be careful with how we deal with a situation because our actions may just make things worst for someone. the words we say and the little things we do may not mean much to us but it might be something that would tip off the scale and break everything apart for that person. sometimes even one word can break down the person if said at the wrong time.

we all have to be sensitive about other people's feelings. we all have to be careful about how we say things especially if we know it is something that should not be said in the first place. we are all going through something and sometimes a little bit of understanding can go a long way.