A Test of Courage

isn't it amazing how something that scared you so much is also the same thing that made you so happy?

i would be the world's biggest hypocrite if i say that i was not scared by the prospect of falling from a cliff even if i am attached to a harness. just imagining myself hanging in the air, swinging like a pendulum and completely entrusting my life to a cable that, if fate wills, may snap at any moment and send me literally plunging to my death makes me want to just say no and go home.

i was scared. very scared. despite that, i decided to go ahead and do the plunge.

since the day i viewed the video of The Plunge, i decided that i will have to be the first one in the group to go. i decided that i can't be the second or the third and definitely not the last. this is not because i consider myself brave or better than the others. contrary to that, i decided to go first because i know that if i don't do it i might suddenly realize that i don't have enough courage to do it afterall. i have to do it while i still have the courage to do so, if i wait i may not be able to do it.

so i went first. i was laughing and smiling to hide the fear. deep inside i was shaking. when the guide was giving the instructions, i held on to his every word and clarified each step again and again just to be sure i got it correctly. i listened like my life depends on it (which probably does).

seconds before the free fall, i was hanging there with only one thought in my mind , "what the heck am i doing in here?". half of me wants to scream and back out but the other half tells  me that i should do it and quitting would make me regret forever (plus it would be really embarassing since all the others already decided to push through and its all paid for and non-refundable).

and so it happened, i closed my eyes and i felt my heart beat so fast for a second and when i opened my eyes, i saw something so beautiful i can't find words to describe it.

and while i hang in there, i forgot everything. i forgot the pressure and stress my job gives me. i forgot the many issues i have with myself and some people around me. i forgot about the imprefectness of my life. i forgot everything i was so worried about. most of all, i forgot about my fears. it was replaced by something so beautiful and so pure. i felt free, happy, carefree. i think that moment i discovered what peace of mind meant.

up there, everything else felt unimportant (probably  because if you have your life depend on a single rope, everything else really becomes unimportant). up there,everything is so beautiful. i always loved nature but when i was there, i realized how much that love is. truthfully, i wish it was longer than five minutes.

i would do it again if i will be given the chance. if only to feel that kind of happiness; if only to feel that kind of peace. if only to see that beauty again, i would gladly hang in there for a little bit longer.

probably someday.