A Sinking Feeling

you know what i don't like about making a decision? it's the feeling of anxiety and dread right after you made it. i guess it is normal. you are, after all, making a decision that can make or break you. your whole future is at stake. this is more than just choosing which restaurant to eat from or choosing what clothes to wear today.

when you are making a decision that would impact the rest of your life, it is understandable that you feel a ton of doubt and anxiety. the confusion, the conflicting emotions, the uncertainties of what it will be like after. it puts a different kind of pressure. that is why i always believe that only those with a strong heart can make their dreams come true. if your heart is not strong enough, making a decision to reach your dreams can kill you.

i always wonder how it feels like to get what you want without breaking a sweat. i wonder how it feels like to  reach your dreams without breaking a heart. i wonder how it feels like to achieve something without a need to sacrifice anything.

i bet it would be boring.

all my life, if i want something i had to work for it to get it. i don't remember getting what i want just by asking for it. even when i was in grade school, i felt this feeling-- a tinge of embarrassment-- asking for something i want. when i was a kid, there were a lot of things i want--- toys mostly of course--- but i never asked my parents. i get embarrassed asking for it. i always tell myself that someday, when i grow up, i will get all of those.

so now that i am a grown up, i made a decision to achieve my dreams and find my happiness. i have made a decision to pursue that something that will make me happy. and after almost 3 years of being out of school, i have a decision that i am going back. this life is not the life for me. i am a writer. i am a journalist. i find no fulfillment in this job. i get the things that i wanted; financial security, gadgets, independence, "lakwatsa fund" but at the expense of my one true love.

i know that i should have made this decision a long time ago. i wasn't ready. even now i am not sure i am ready. God help me.

there is something i learned from all these. for the years that i am a helpless kid, embarrassed to asked her parents to buy her toys, I learned the value of hard-work. For the three years I have been working in this job i learned the beauty of independence, the importance of financial security, the truth about the adult world i so wanted to be part of and most of all, the lesson that even the most expensive gadgets in the world can never replace the happiness brought by something you love.

i know i made the right decision but i wonder why i get this sinking feeling. there is this huge whole in my heart and a pit in my stomach. if truth be told, i doubt myself. will my heart be strong enough to do this?

when i am already facing the consequences of my actions, only then will i know that i have made the right decision. i guess, only time can tell.