i think i'm dying ^_^

i've been having chest pains for some days now. sometimes it's bearable and other times it is not. i'm also having a hard time breathing. asthma, most likely. nothing new there.

for many days now, i've been so tired and impatient. physically, emotionally, mentally, and yes probably even psychologically i am at my limit. i am amazed at how my body can still go on with sheer force of will. if i don't tell myself to move, i doubt if it will even move.

there are days when i would be amazed that i am still alive. i often wake up with chest pains or migraines and lately, both. there are nights when i can hardly breath and just being able to open my eyes and hear my self breathing makes me thank God that i am still alive.

but i wonder for how long. i always believe i will never get past the age of 30. i don't know why but i've always thought of it. i don't know what is going to happen to me but i am ready for it. i know i haven't live a life without regrets but i am still ready to die.

everyday before i go to sleep i always ask myself, will i still be able to wake up? just in case i don't, then i want the world to know that even though i did things that i regret i still lived a happy life. i guess in the end that is all that matters.

like a fish out of water

Something triggered my asthma again. And this time, I think its getting worst that I have decided to go for a check up already.

I usually take my asthma attacks for granted because they are usually mild and takes only a few minutes but doesn't really interfere with my day to day activities. I seldom get serious asthma attacks and I never had chest pains this serious before.

Besides, I had been asthmatic all my life that the usual breathlessness has become a part of my daily existence. But like I've said, its different this time.

I had been having these chest pains and the occasional heartburn since last summer but never as serious as the past three days (since Thursday). Yesterday (Friday) was probably the worst. I was already about to take a bath but the pain in my chest is just too much that my vision blurred and I had to lie down again. I ended up texting my classmate that I won't be able to attend the class.

Its like something is blocking on my throat that I'm having a hard time swallowing. Activities as simple as tying my hair or rousing my self leaves me out of breath. And the pain in my chest just won't leave me alone!

My asthma is manageable---at least it still is as of this moment, but its the chest pains that drains my energy. I can still control my breathing so there is really no problem of me dying in the next few days. However, I think my asthma has just progressed from mild to serious and I still can't point out what triggered it this time.

It couldn't be the dust because I had been taking antihistamine for it ( I also have allergic rhinitis, its actually common on asthmatics). I don't think I ate anything that could trigger allergies (which could also trigger my asthma). Stress? Its still the first week of classes. Emotional problems? Don't have any as of this moment.

So what? What?

I usually feel like a fish out of water (not that I was ever a fish). Gasping for breath, trying to calm my breathing, and doing everything to avoid hyperventilating myself.

Sometimes, I just wish I could die.

sometimes I hate summer

especially when it's super hot and I have no choice but to take refuge in an airconditioned room. Especially when I am traveling, and even when I am not, and the dust is 10x the normal.

In my life, Summers always mean frequent asthma attack (more frequent than the usual), allegric rhinitis (a.k.a hay fever), allergies, skin infection and boredom. Sometimes I hate summers because I always get sick.

I think the only enjoyable summer I had in my life was when I was in Mindanao, which was last year. Though I was not able to escape from asthma attacks and allergic rhinitis, at least I got to enjoy the summer "touring" Region XI.

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Asthma is the ultimate KJ!

If its too hot (or warm or whatever) I have asthma attacks. If it becomes too cold, I still do.

I can't stay outside for long now because I'll be gasping for breathe with this kind of weather. But hey, I can't also stay inside the office because the Air Con could also trigger my asthma. I can't be in a place that is too warm or too cold. I need a place with a temperature that is just right. I can't even eat ice cream or cold foods with the weather as hot as this one.

Rhinitis is another KJ!

Dust and smoke makes my eyes water, my throat itchy and makes me sneeze and sneeze and sneeze. And I hate sneezing more than anything else. And don't forget the headaches!

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Just noticed, I've been posting in English the past days.

Whatever happened to my "pagsasanay sa pagsulat sa Pilipino"?

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While I was reading yesterday a thought suddenly popped into my mind.

"sometimes you have to open your heart to understand the things that you don't understand"

Where in the world did that came from? And whatever that means?

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been daydreaming the whole morning.

Wanted to go out but this stupid rhinitis just won't go.

There's a minor construction going on in our boarding (boring) house and the dust is just too much for me. I've been sneezing since I woke up and my eyelids are so itchy that I've been tempted to just slice them out.

I was just forced to go out when I couldn't find anything else to dream about and my mind is already wandering elsewhere.

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Will somebody be kind enough to do the laundry for me?

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