Temper Check

I have a bad temper. I find it really hard to control it. Although it's a lot better now compared to what it was before, still, i always avoid things that i know will only end up pissing me off. This is also one reason why I always avoid arguments as much as I can. I prefer to keep things to myself than engage in petty arguments. I am not scared, I just want to avoid jail time.

It's like this, when I get angry I get physical. Very physical. I punch, kick, bite, scratch, and throw anything I can get hold of. When I get angry, screaming is not enough. I can scream as much as I want to until I lose my voice but that will not make me feel better. Cursing the person I am angry with, even ignoring their presence and insulting them with the worst things that I can think of is not enough. I have to hurt the person physically in order for me to feel better. For me, screaming at you does not fully express how angry I am at you. You have to feel it. I have to see you bruised and bloody to satisfy me. If I'm screaming at you or if I'm being sarcastic or rude at you, then I'm not angry yet. Pissed off probably but not angry. You don't want to see me angry.

As a human being, I do realize that is not good at all. That's borderline crazy if you would ask me. That is why I prefer to avoid getting angry. When something is pissing me off I isolate myself from people. I try to find ways to divert my attention like watching a movie, surfing the net or posting in my blog. I find it better than expressing myself in a way that will not only humiliate me but may also land me in jail.

I know how useless and pointless it is to post angst and complaints on blogs or social media. I mean, there is a very small possibility that you target will be able to read it or even get it. Despite that, I still post it. I post it in twitter or Facebook or in this blog not to impress people or ask for sympathy from others but to stop myself from becoming a criminal. It is my way of expressing my emotions. I am never a verbal person and I always hate verbal arguments. Talkative, yes. Verbal, no.

I believe that as long as I have these venues where I can vent out my anger, I can spare these people a world of hurt and I can spare myself a world of regret. This is the only way I can control my temper. But if these people don't stop pushing their luck then I might really show them how evil I can be.